I can't breathe out the right side of my face
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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