Midget sex pt 2 tonight
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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