Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
