the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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