The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
