She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
