wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
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Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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