I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
