Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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