I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
