he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
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if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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