Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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