I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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