it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
