Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am spending my child support on dildos
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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