I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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