We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
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How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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