i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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