I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
