dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
