Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
