I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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