mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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