i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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