I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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