We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
