Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
