you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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