dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
