The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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