if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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