i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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