i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
