I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
