Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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