i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
