God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
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She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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