Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
