I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
