I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
