Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
