airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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