i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
