So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
