i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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