i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
