and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
