I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
