Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Randomize
