i used baking grease as lip gloss
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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