Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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