Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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