Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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