I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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