I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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