Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
