so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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