Im at strip club and am horny
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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